A little while back I got a question about managing "social clutter," the question touched on a bunch of things including interactions, events, as well as social media. I love this question because even though I talk a lot about physical/digital items, social expectations can cause a lot of overwhelm as well. Social overwhelm is a broad topic, so in this post I want to focus on one specific aspect: social events.

In my life, the holidays often bring a complex web of social obligations that can leave me feeling overwhelmed and drained. While holiday celebrations (at any time of year really) are meant to bring joy and connection, many people find themselves struggling to maintain a healthy balance between social commitments and personal time.

At the heart of this struggle lie deeply rooted expectations, both internally and externally imposed. Whether shaped by our upbringing or absorbed from societal messages, there's a strong emphasis on togetherness during holiday periods. These expectations don't exist in isolation – they're often intertwined with cultural or religious significance, which can intensify our sense of obligation to participate in certain gatherings or maintain specific traditions, even when they conflict with our need for rest and solitude.

One of the most challenging aspects of holiday social obligations is the desire to meet others' expectations. To use my own cultural context as an example, saying "no" becomes particularly difficult during a season associated with giving and goodwill such as Christmas. This challenge is made worse by this "perfection pressure" that’s all around us – the endless stream of idealized holiday representations in social and traditional media, from perfect gift-giving to flawless hosting, and impeccable guest etiquette. These expectations can exhaust us before we even attend our first event.

In this post, I’m going to cover navigating the ins and outs of holiday events - what boundaries to set before invites start coming in, how to say no, and what to do once you’re actually attending events to protect your energy. 

_{A quick note: While I talk about and view these challenges through a specific lens (Dutch with a sprinkle of Californian to start off with), the struggle to balance social obligations with personal time is universal across different cultural celebrations and social calendars. However, I want to acknowledge that the ability to decline social obligations varies significantly across different cultural contexts and family situations. Some individuals may have limited flexibility in saying "no" due to cultural, familial, or religious expectations. To those of you who struggle with saying no, I hope this piece still offers you useful insights, even if it’s just one or two.}

Setting Pre-Holiday Boundaries

The key to managing holiday social obligations lies in establishing clear boundaries before the invitations start flooding in. By taking a proactive approach, you can make thoughtful decisions about your time and energy rather than responding reactively to each request.  

The foundation of setting healthy boundaries starts with a clear understanding of your decompression needs. Take time to reflect on your capacity for social engagement and establish concrete limits. These might include:

• Limiting yourself to one event per week
• Avoiding back-to-back social commitments
• Setting a firm departure time (such as 10 PM)
• Establishing travel limitations (like a one-hour driving radius)

Once you have those in place, here is a simple 3-step process for designing your ideal social calendar that honors your boundaries: 

1. Start by identifying the events you genuinely look forward to – the ones featuring people who energize rather than drain you. Create a prioritized list based on your excitement level, and don't hesitate to reach out early to secure these dates in your calendar.
2. Next, acknowledge the events that, while not necessarily exciting, shouldn't be missed. These might be a partner's work functions, children’s school events, or important (family) gatherings. 
3. The final step in this process is maintaining a clear overview of your commitments. Keep your calendar updated and readily accessible so you can easily visualize existing commitments, avoid overcommitting and see potential scheduling conflicts.

Evaluating Incoming Invitations

Even with your pre-holiday boundaries in place, sometimes you’ll get invitations you feel conflicted about. Here are 10 questions to ask yourself when evaluating these: 

1. Gut check - Why do I feel unsure? Is it because of anxiety, fatigue, or social pressure? Is there a particular reason I don’t want to go, or is it just indecision?
2. Honest calendar check - Do I have the time and energy for this event? How does it fit into my current schedule or workload? Will attending leave me feeling drained or energized? (Remember just because you have a “spot” on your calendar, doesn’t mean you actually have the capacity)
3. Happiness check - Do I actually want to go? Would I genuinely enjoy myself at this event? Am I feeling obligated to go because of someone else's expectations?
4. Benefits check - What will I gain from attending? Is this a chance to connect with new people, deepen relationships, or have a good time? Is there a potential benefit, like networking or learning something new?
5. Drawbacks check - What are the consequences of saying no? Will I feel relieved or guilty if I decline? Could missing this event cause me to feel regret or FOMO (fear of missing out)? What’s the worst that could happen if I say no? Will saying no damage any important relationships? Can I gracefully decline without much negative impact?
6. Future me check - How will I feel after the event? Will I likely feel happy and satisfied after going, or drained and stressed? Will it contribute to my overall well-being or create unnecessary pressure?
7. Past me check - How do I usually feel about similar events? Have I gone to similar gatherings before, and how did I feel afterward? What past experiences can help guide this decision?
8. People check - Am I comfortable with the people attending? Are there people I look forward to seeing, or will I feel out of place? Is the social dynamic one I enjoy, or is it likely to make me uncomfortable?
9. Deeper meaning check - Is this a meaningful event? Is it important to someone I care about (like a wedding or birthday)? Does this event align with my values, goals, or interests?
10. Alternatives check - Is there a compromise option? Can I attend for a shorter period, or join in a different way (e.g., virtually)? Is there another time I can spend with these people if I skip this event? 

If you decide to say no, be clear, kind, and respectful with your response. It’s also important to at least say thank you, and not leave people waiting for a reply from you for too long. That will help you decline gracefully without damaging the relationship.

Attending Events Without Burning Yourself Out

Every year, there are probably going to be a couple of events you are going to have to drag yourself to. This can be due to external expectations or because you want to show up in support of someone. Either way, you’re not necessarily looking forward to going. 

Set your intentions - To help get through events like these, start by getting clear with yourself on your intentions for attending. Consider what you hope to achieve by being there – whether it's connecting with specific people, celebrating someone's milestone, or simply getting through it without too much stress.

Have an exit strategy - Have a departure time in mind. It’s always helpful to let the host know you have to leave at a certain time to avoid disappointment when it’s time to leave. This can also be communicated to other guests and planned with anybody you’re attending with. This is especially important if you are carpooling or traveling with someone else. Having an exit strategy in place can help you feel more secure and in control of your experience.

Check in with yourself - One of the most common oversights during social events is forgetting to check in with ourselves. Make a conscious effort to monitor your energy levels, emotional state, physical comfort, and need for breaks or space throughout the gathering. This ongoing awareness helps you respond to your needs before becoming overwhelmed.

Catch your breath - When you feel your energy flagging, don't hesitate to take breaks. Step outside for fresh air, find a quiet spot to reset, use the restroom as a brief sanctuary, or take short walks if possible.

Influence positive outcomes -  Be selective about your interactions – focus on connecting with people who energize rather than drain you, and choose conversations that align with your interests and values.

Final Thoughts

Navigating social obligations during the holiday season requires a delicate balance of honoring relationships while protecting your personal well-being. Just as we thoughtfully curate our physical spaces, we must also mindfully curate our social calendars and interactions. Remember, the goal isn't to avoid all social interaction but to engage in ways that feel authentic and sustainable for you.